Where do we go from
Where do we go from here?
The battle’s done,
And we kind of won
So we sound our victory cheer

Where do we go from here?
Why is the path unclear?
When we know home is near
We’ll go hand in hand
But we’ll walk alone in fear

Tell me
Where do we go from here?
When does the end appear?
When do the
trumpets cheer?
The curtains close
On a kiss god knows
We can tell the end is near

where do we go…

A few folks are no doubt wondering what is going on with me… how things are
coming along in my once or twice yearly [[wp:pheonix]] routine. It seems like
I’m never really at a place where I feel like I have the time I need to actually
explain to you all what’s up… so this is as good a time as any.

It’s funny the things I take information, comfort and growth from when the
little grey cells are out there rebuilding all their little connections to each
other – it’s like a constantly changing version of the old Coke commercials – a
hoard of neurons all holding hands and singing a song I can’t hear yet.

If you want to know what’s in my head these days? Go listen to the Buffy
musical. It was an episode called "once More with Feeling" and aside from being
one of the more brilliant TV show episodes of all time, the music is pretty good
– and there is some cool stuff hidden in the lyrics. Speaking of,
go look at the
… and you can grab the music while you’re at it if you find it out
there on the web.

The core of what’s happening inside me is going strong, and as it expands I
am starting to hit the old walls… but it feels different, the same old
sarcastic reaction is there but it doesn’t seem to be sticking to me this time.
I can look at those who are doing the things that pushed me away from all this a
long time ago and just laugh a little on the inside. It doesn’t really have
anything to do with me or what’s important.

In the end there are a few things that I want to make sure don’t happen to
me… things I have seen of late as a result of my interactions with the [[wp:BDSM|community]]
that are what drove me away from all this.

Tinpot dictators

These are people who somehow think they are the second coming just because
they managed to put more time into an organization than others – or because they 
run a committee or other. You know the types – they have some small local fame
in one area or the other and this seems to convince them that they are the end
all and be all of what is and isn’t "proper" BDSM. This includes all the folks
with nothing better to do than write letters to the editor of every newspaper
that uses the letters B,D,S & M in a context they don’t like

The "Vegas" syndrome

This is  is what happens to people who have finally found the one
‘trick’ they are capable of doing that is going to wow a crowd at a BDSM
event. You know the type, you can see it coming a mile away…. rigged ‘demos’
and lectures that boil down to an opportunity for them to show off with their
favorite demo bunny – usually the same one they have been using all along.

Please. Spare me.

Here’s a hint for would be BDSM lounge acts – if you can’t do it in
theory with
anyone from the crowd it isn’t really worth doing at a
lecture or demo. I mean yeah, we are all very impressed that she juggles 12
goldfish while you masturbate her with your toes and look lovingly into her
eyes while reciting something romantic about trees (or something particularly
dark from a NIN track, it’s really the same thing)…

I’m sure you were the hit of your Tupperware party circuit. Now get a room
and come back when you have something useful to say 🙂

It’s interesting because I know some of the flashiest people on earth.
Flagg in particular travels around in a cloud of sequins that is utterly
baffling considering how much black he wears. Somehow, he avoids this even
though I kid him incessantly about it. Now, it may be he gets a pass because
he’s my droog but I don’t think that’s all there is to it.

See, Flagg could pull a random person from the crowd.
Further, while my man is clearly worthy of two shows a night at the

he has yet to pull out a patently showy rabbit from his hat at a
lecture or seminar… even when I am sure he had the opportunity.

One of the reasons I have so much respect for the guy 🙂

Like I said… these things used to drive me nuts – I was genuinely afraid I
was going to become one of those people – but you know what? It isn’t true. it
simply isn’t going to happen. Now I can just shake my head and go "riiiiiggghhht".

The last one though… that is one I might be vulnerable to… and it is the
one that still has the power to freak me out. This isn’t limited to BDSM people
– I see it a lot among my ‘nilla friends at times.

More sex? lay it on me…
More scenes? absolutely…
Passion? more please…

Driven by my dick? Never.

pick a head…

A complete and utter failure to keep an eye on the ball

This is the one that kills me. I think in the end this is the thing that
makes me seem… passionless? Cold? I am not sure what it is. We have a lot of
jokes here that center around my legendary lack of a sex drive. These are
jokes I wholeheartedly approve of by the way. They come down to this:

I have more on my mind than sex.

This is not something I have any intention of changing. Of course
there was some trouble in my head that I am recovering from that combined this
priority assignment with other issues to make my sex drive be way, way too low
on the list for my tastes. The reality is that I have every intention of
correcting that – but there is a point I simply will not allow sex or playtime
rise above.

The ball. My eyes. An unbreakable connection.

You see them all the time in the community – great hordes of people who
seem to have nothing more weighty on their minds than when there might be a
sale on liquid latex happening or when the next dungeon party is.

Free clue: You have a very impressive flogger collection – that’s not
the same thing as having a life.

I have some wonderful [[girl2|girls]] in my life who absolutely have the power
to stay in my thoughts all the time. They are pretty, distracting and damn
blood stirring. If I let my guard down I could wake up in a year with nothing
more to show for my time than a lot of fond memories and an ability to tie 27
different kinds of knots 🙂

Would that be so bad? No. Of course, it would be better to get my domain in
order, achieve some measure of financial stability and then get
a handle on "101 ways to tie a girl to a swordfish with spaghetti". You know?

Dominance means knowing when it’s time to play – and when it isn’t.

Obviously I need to put a bit more playtime in my life – one of the things
I have come to realize is that not all playtime is purely play ya know? This
is good to know.

The thing is, I have no intention of overcompensating…. not that I seem
to be in any danger of that 🙂

E.d note: before you ask –  yes, there is a special dispensation
for honeymooning, it’s a human thing and something to be enjoyed when it
happens: I, your emperor, will allow you to take one eye off the ball while
you knock the new car smell off the private parts (mental and physical) of
that cool thing you found under the couch cushions.

So there you have it … the reconstruction of my mental wiring is proceeding
just fine. Obviously there is some resistance, nothing deliberate – just
internal pressure for my brain to slip back into the old patterns. You can feel
the old vortex wanting to pull us all back in … but it isn’t happening.

The [[girl2|girls]] and I have been keeping a handle in it – breaking the old
patterns and giving each other the information and support we need to move
forward and get back to what we actually want in our lives. It’s working, and we
are seeing some of the benefits I think… obviously there is a lot of effort
left but that’s OK.

Ok… sleep now.