Note: See update at the bottom of this post for revised links and new information!

Well, I have to tell you I am just plain tickled.

Every now and then someone just has to save the newbies. They just cannot contain the idea that they – and they alone – are going to enlighten the masses and save untold millions of submissives from a fate worse than death! One such hero seems to have arisen, he is [email protected] … this is his story.

No. This isn’t his story. It’s his acid test. You can find this little gem here as well as all over the web. A classic “Newbie Rant(tm)” it even prompted me to define the term on everything in a rather extensive fashion. Of course, then I had to add a lot of other nodes to explain that.

Here is a hint. If someone tells you that they know how to define all “true dominants” then they are basically trying to get laid or impress someone. This goes double when I am doing it.

I am going to pull some quotes from the acid test and comment as we go along. By the way, my chosen form of commentary is often sarcasm. Keep that in mind 🙂

That wacky zero tolerance thing…

“If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!”

I like this one, there is nothing like instantly writing off anyone who doesn’t completely do things the way you like ’em right off! Let’s face it, this is a dom your looking for – not someone who has his own ways of doing things that might require you to adapt your life or your thinking…

Oh. Wait. That is a dom.

Dammit, you can make a living at this?

“Sexual Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need, and he will likely give you many things you don’t (like medical bills and other assorted headaches). “

Apparently I have missed out on a whole BDSM underground. Thundering herds of highly trained, certified and professional dominants roam the earth. It’s a good thing too since those amateurs will probably kill you or rape you!

The structure of the quote is interesting as well. By contrasting the term “Dom” with the term amateur then we can only conclude that the term “Dom” is the official name of the profession as well.

Remember, if it isn’t a RealDom(TM), you better be insured!

About Snerts

“They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.”

Let’s recap. You can’t be an amateur, you can’t make someone uncomfortable and now you can’t emphasize sex.

But wait a minute, later in this little essay we come across this quote; “…thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant. “. So now a “Dom” is also known as a “sexual Dominant” but he isn’t supposed to emphasize sex.


Oh, and remember if the guy your talking to actually makes a demand of you then he isn’t a RealDom(TM)!

The HNG (Horny Net Geek)

I always heard this acronym as “Horny New Guy” but it looks like I was wrong, everything doesn’t lie!

In any case, let’s continue our education. Your HNG (that’s bad, remember) makes some crucial errors that immediately brand him as an amateur.

The worst of which seems to be that he spends time learning something! I know, horrible isn’t it? We all know that the best way you can show your expertise on a topic is to ignore learning any of the terms used in association with it and simply plow on in – what do those people know about anything anyway?

Then there is the dead giveaway of pornography. Remember RealDoms(TM) are way to busy being Dominant to look at erotica!

There’s even more horror, the HNG may actually want to talk to you about sex. In fact, the blighter may want to fantasize about sex with you. It’s known as cybersex and thank god MadSciDom was here to make sure we don’t fall into it’s evil clutches. I would hate to have my keyboard get hairy or my webcam go blind.

Lastly, there is the scourge of the online world: the “online collar”. This heinous situation arises when people who don’t live close to each other dare to show their commitment to one another to their online peer group. They actually have the nerve to let others know that they are in a BDSM relationship!

Scum. All scum.

Those wacky controllers!

“They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them.”

Check. If they want to be in control they aren’t a dominant.

“Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time.”

If they seem like they have their shit together… they aren’t a dominant.

“The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant. “

Here is that “sexual Dominant” stuff again. As we learned up above… sex is bad.

“While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. “

Remember, immediately ignore anyone who makes you uncomfortable. To that you can now add that you should ignore anyone who you find charming. What you really want is bland.

“They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission.”

OK. I am totally bumfuzzled now. If thought talking about sex was a sign of an amateur – but if that’s so then wouldn’t it make sense that your RealDom(TM) would by definition talk about the less physical (mental) parts of the BDSM dynamic.

Wrong! Talking about the mental stuff is bad! Talking about sex is bad!

::weeps a silent tear:: No wonder the poor newbies get caught!

I think “safe-call” was the 11th commandment

“If a ‘dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life.  Don’t go chasing after anybody.  A true Dom doesn’t need to play ‘hard to get.'”

You knew it was coming – the rapist speech. No good rant for newbies is complete without a stern warning about all the evil rapists and predators out there – and how to spot em (sort of)! This is a crucial part of the NewbieRant(TM).

Now safe calls might be a good idea I guess. Personally I am not a big fan of em partially because most of the folks I know who met on the web didn’t use them.

What is kinda odd here is this idea that if a dominant is not falling over himself for you then he isn’t a RealDom(TM). Here I thought if I lost interest in someone it was because we might not be compatible (they suck). It turns out I was planning to rape them!

We can add “easy” to the RealDom(TM) attribute checklist.

Subs love power

“Know what a real Dom acts like.  Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time.  You are strong!  Likely even ambitious as well.  You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control.  So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life.  Your power and energy is something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that.  It’s a very personal thing to you!”

Wow! How cool is this! Sexual submissives are strong, take charge kind of people with great ambition and energy!

This is a great relief. It would be a real shame is submissives were a mixture of types and strengths like the rest of the population – the RealDom(TM) might have had to be selective. Instead he can rest assured that if it’s submissive it is a high powered ambitions and intelligent person who doesn’t need him at all.

To be fair I have heard this before – but I thought it was just a dodge to get subs into bed. It’s so much more interesting to tell someone how strong they must be… they tend to like you! Now however that I have read it in such a lofty missive I can sleep well at night.

Dominants like to take orders

“Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this.  We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent.  We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen.  However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time.  We tend to be easygoing.  I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant.  We like being in control in INTIMATE situations.  It’s a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives.  We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly.  In another words, don’t look for a Dom that’s exactly like you.  You won’t find him.  Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.”

Got it! So, submissives are inherently powerful figures in their daily lives and dominants avoid control.

Thank god this came along to set me straight because most of the people I considered dominants were in control of their lives! Of course, they weren’t RealDom(TM)s but how was I to know?

This tells us a lot about the RealDom(TM)… they avoid authority and only want to control their submissives in “intimate” situations. Intimate usually means sex, but that can’t be so because sex is bad so it must be something I am not old enough to understand.

So remember, if he likes control then he isn’t a RealDom(TM)!

Test #1

“Test #1:  When in doubt, throw it out!  Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable.  Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.”

Remember, god forbid someone might actually have their own point of view! A RealDom(TM) will make you comfortable… but he won’t be charming. Charming is bad.

Test #2

“Test #2:  “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a HNG or control freak.  Real Doms don’t have to ask for titles, we EARN them.  Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

Or if he’s pagan he might be “Starseeker Studmuffin”.

Seriously – one of the most dominant people I know prefers the name “Sir” and she sure fits the bill. Does she demand subservience? Hell no – though it would make a good impression. What she does reserve is the right to chose her own name.

On the other hand, I know someone in the scene who insists on being called “Her Majesty The Queen” or some such. That just strikes me as silly but I use the abbreviation HMQ because it’s no skin off my apple.

Test #3

“Test #3:  “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.”   This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks.   They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing!  Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.”

It looks like I will have to drop the sarcasm for a bit…

Everyone is allowed their prejudices and MadSciDom certainly has ’em. This anti-cyber thing is running pretty rampant here.

Let’s be completely clear… it is never the physical leather that binds a submissive to a dominant – it is the commitment and the promises made. That being the reality – then who cares if the collar is physical leather or a <O> on a screen name?

If your submissives loyalty is true, if the bond between you is strong then your online collar is every bit as real as the leather ones.

Test #4

“Test #4:  If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]”  This is the mating call of the HNG.   Use some common sense here.  Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite?  There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!”

Well, while I agree that the instant order is a often misused form of communication in the BDSM community (whatever that is) but it actually is a valid form of interaction.

Sometimes, a submissive and a dominant will just ‘click‘ and when it happens long conversations are not needed. He says kneel, and she kneels.

Test #5

“Test #5:  “I don’t have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” Are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use.  This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important!  A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that!  Its literally your ass that’s on the line!  Never forget this!”

OK… I think I have done pretty well so far so I will indulge myself.


I absolutely reserve the right to withhold an answer someone might ask of me. Their being a submissive does not suddenly give them the ability to pry into my entire life. Play with me, don’t play with me – whatever but don’t think you suddenly have the right to make demands on my privacy.

This obviously makes me a rapist.

Doms: Here’s a cute experiment – don’t answer any question the submissive won’t answer.

Test #6

“Test #6:  “Its my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak.  Doms can have Limits too, but its your Limits that count FIRST.  Don’t let any would-be ‘dom’ tell you differently.  Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s ALWAYS LADY’S CHOICE!”


That seems simple enough.

I am sort of confused about why it is the mark of a RealDom(TM) to not hold fast to any of his own desires and limits. Of course, it could have something to do with the inherently submissive(?) nature of RealDom(TM)s.

I set my condition, you set yours. If they don’t match then we don’t get together. Simple, easy, honest. “My way ot the highway” is a completely valid way to manage meeting people for a dominant.

Secret clue: despite all this stuff, it turns out some submissives actually like a dominant who will stick to his guns. Shocking but true.

Test #7

“Test #7:  Don’t bother with online collars.  Don’t make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style.  It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste time on cyber sex?  Please take my word for it; the answer is NO.  Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.”

Well, I know some folks who just can’t Zen cybersex and that’s just fine. What pisses me off is when they try and extrapolate from their preferences that an entire class of activity is silly. It usually smacks of sour grapes and a lack of imagination to me.

Now, I favor the mental/emotional portions of BDSM more than most. I enjoy altering responses, changing thought patterns, perceptions and reflexes. This is all a primarily nonphysical interaction media. When combined with interactive fantasy (cybersex) this can be an extremely powerful and real experience.

Is it real in a “wow! I put my penis in her!” kind of way? No, but then that’s a little high-school for my tastes. It absolutely is real in a “she looks at the world differently, and her thought processes are much more to my taste now” kind of way.

Add to that the fact that cybersex is just plain fun. You remember fun right? Good cybersex is a lot like a lucid dream or hypnotic experience. If you think it’s just reading dirty words or listening to someone masturbate you are very wrong.

Test #8

“Test #8:  Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene.   If he say’s ‘no,’ run for your life!  If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious.  Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don’t even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.”

Right on! The most dangerous thing in the world is a careful, deliberate and skilled dominant partner!

For me, I would say that if he hasn’t maimed at least three (3) submissives then he is not yet a RealDom(TM).

Test #9

“Test #9  “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, TV producer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]”  Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too?  Sure it would!  But use some common sense too.  How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room?  Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he’s likely a submissive!  I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet! “

Remember, RealDom(TM) hates to accomplish anything! If they have ambition and drive they are probably submissive! What a load of … ah, you know 🙂

When I think of all the types of people MadSciDom hasn’t met I begin to think he needs to get out more.

Test #10

“Test #10  “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Gimme a break!  What are the odds?  When you ask about a Doms level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well.  18 year old boys don’t care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once!  I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master.  What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using clearacil?”

This is my personal favorite. I just love the way MadSciDom takes his own experiences and then declares what was true for the rest of the world.

I happen to be about 33 (1966) and I have been in the lifestyle BDSM scene since I was 16. More than 15 years. So, MadSciDom didn’t have a thought in his head at 18 but where he could get laid? Big deal. Some of us actually had a little more on our minds. Hell, I was having intercourse from 15 on… by 18 I was a little past the “do ya wanna?” stage of my life.

Maybe this inability to think of anything deeper than physical sex is at the core of his complete and utter confusion about cybersex? Just a thought. I mean, if all you can think of is getting laid… then I can see where all that mental stuff would be in the way 🙂

At 18 I had a completely clear concept of my training goals and a lot of the methods that are still with me… I had a fully worked out personal philosophy of BDSM and a collared wife in a 24/7 relationship. I am glad MadSciDom was out getting laid but some of us had more going on.

Now that I think about it, every dominant I really respect knew what they wanted and were working towards it at 18 or earlier. The vast majority of the really dedicated submissives I know also were deeply involved in BDSM by 18.

Test #11

“Test #11  Ask for references!  Especially if he claims to be ‘very   experienced.’  Talk to the references ON THE PHONE.  Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them!  I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept.  Which is understandable since in the vanilla world its considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend.  But in the D/s Scene its the opposite, experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.”

Bzzt. Strike.

I am not sure what green pasture world our RealDom(TM)s live in – but the BDSM world I inhabit is full of humans. That means that ‘ex’ anything’s are usually angry, bitter and pissed off. They are far from being the objective and rational references that seem to be called for here.

Secret clue: Your soon to be dominants ‘ex’ has better things to do with her life than talk to you on the phone so you can feel safe banging the headboards with her old flame. In fact, I doubt she wants him giving out the number to a total stranger online.

Test #12

“Test #12  “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can’t talk to them.”  Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible.   What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part.  I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix.  This is not uncommon at all in the Scene.  But these couples were looking TOGETHER.  If a ‘dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!”

Sorry. This isn’t always true either – though it is commonly the case. 99% of the BDSM relationships you will come across are romance based – and as such they Dom/Sub(s) often make the joint decision to acquire a new partner.

However this is not universally true. There are much more authoritarian relationships in the BDSM world… often referred to as ‘service’ relationships. In such a situation is is not something that the current property is involved in. Would you ask your car if you could buy a motorcycle? Of course not.

Test #13

“Test #13  “I don’t need safe words.”  Well of course he doesn’t!   If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn’t need safewords either.  Need I say more?”

Well, it’s nice that our esteemed author (or is that prophet at this point) can now completely discount one of the largest minority segments of the BDSM world. Those of us who don’t like safewords.

Not having a safeword leaves you open to a predator. Hmmm… how many serial killers do you know who would stop if you yelled out “RED!”. How many rapists would stop because you told them too – hell, isn’t the whole ISSUE about rape that they don’t stop when you say “no”?

No. Let’s give some advice you can use. If you don’t trust the person your going to play with to know what your condition is all by themselves then don’t play with them. See how simple that is?

Secret clue: No killer or rapist alive gives a shit about your safeword.

Test #14

“Test #14  “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.”  If you hear a “dom” say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse.   Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some careful negotiation.”

I suppose if your used to working primarily in the ‘soft’ BDSM world (borrowing a term from The Marketplace) then again this makes some sense. However, in those circles where more strict relationships are common a statement like this is not only accepted but can often be assumed.

Does this mean the submissive has no limits? Nope. What it does mean is that the submissives limits lie in accordance with those of her chosen owner.

Test #15

“Test #15  “I’m Married, my wife can’t know about us”  If I have to explain this one too you, you’ve got problems.  I have played with many married submissives in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands.  Safe D/s requires complete honesty.  You can’t build a good Scene on lies.  There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.”

I like it. He not only gets to condemn millions of people but tell you to dismiss anything they might say on the topic! Is this guy a god or what?

Test #16

“Test #16  Insert your own Acid Test here.  You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps.  If you form an online contact with a “dom” that   falls through, analyze WHY it fell through.  Don’t make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.”

Personally, I think the above lines should have been the only thing in this whole post of his. It is certainly the only thing that’s useful 🙂

Women are the enemy too

“A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and or mental abuse that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well.  They are dangerous to you too!  These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real D/s.”  They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.”

Remember, if anyone says anything that might get you to think about this stuff past what is in The Acid Test then you need to cut off communication with them! You cannot afford any doubts, The Acid Test is all, free thinking is your enemy!

MadSciDom knows best.

Funny how someone who is warning you that people who think their way is the only way are dangerous is doing it in the middle of a long post telling you what the one true way is.

He’s a wizard!

” I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard!”

This little snippet explains so much.

In conclusion

Well, this is a long rant. But I feel better now.

Let’s face it, tripe like this will make the rounds of the BDSM world for the rest of eternity. Whenever there are newbies in need someone will be there to try and convert them to the one true way!

If you’re a newbie and your reading this, I have some simple advice:

  • Use common sense
  • Talk to anyone you find interesting
  • Ignore 99% of the “newbie” oriented material out there.
  • Ditto for most of the books.
  • The stuff that gets you hot about fiction usually can come true if your willing to work at it.
  • Yes, people actually do live this all the time.
  • Yes, there is more out there than safewords and bunny fur.
  • Consider that when someone tells you something is too dangerous, it might just mean they are ignorant.


Update – 05/20/2015

I am prescient. There is no other way to explain it. It is now some 14 years later and in a thread on Fetlife some fool just called me a predator and dug up the good ol’ acid test as a way to tell who is and isn’t a bad person.

Did I call it? Yup, I called it. So not only is idiocy on the internet eternal but it is constantly renewed with the blood of the stupid.

Additional information, it looks like [email protected] is now calling themselves [email protected]. Personally i think it was a bad move to abandon such a legendary reputation.

For safekeeping I went ahead and kicked off an archive of the current “Acid Test” page for posterity. I also still have my own archive of the version from 14 years ago.